For Friends and Relatives

We are often asked, “What can I do?” by friends and relatives of families who have experienced the tragedy of their child’s death. In addition to some very practical ways you can become involved, here are some tips for those of you who find yourself in a supporting role.

Your instincts about not knowing what to say are there for a reason and you are right – no words will really help, especially in those early days. So just say that. “I don’t know what to say except that I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.” Period. No clichés about better places, bigger reasons or God needing another angel.

Depending on how open or willing the family is from time to time, it is important to keep talking about the child, use the child’s name and share memories and stories about that child. Most parents are worried their child will be forgotten and express additional heartache over that prospect. Certainly, mentioning the child’s name might bring some tears or a moment of sadness, but it is well worth it to reassure the family that their experience will not be forgotten or overlooked. Crying is an important part of the healing process – it isn’t something that should be avoided.

Be sensitive to situations which might be difficult for them and don’t be afraid to ask them about it. If a family baby shower or child’s birthday party is approaching, check in with them and reassure them that if they don’t feel up to it, it’s OK. Many times the simple acknowledgement that the situation might be hard makes it a little easier to bear.

Don’t stop checking in on them or asking how they are after a month or two. The grief journey is complicated and continues to ebb and flow for years following a tragic experience. Each subsequent holiday, anniversary date, Mother’s and Father’s Day have the potential to trigger a wave of sadness or other emotion which might seem out of place. Keep asking them how they are doing and how their journey continues to change.

Respect the idea of a “new normal.” Often we hear from our families how frustrated they are about people in their lives who are waiting for them to just “get back to normal.” The most supportive thing you can do as a friend or relative is to understand there is no going back to normal. Of course, we don’t mean that they will be completely overwhelmed with sadness all the time for the rest of their lives. Eventually, most people are able find a place for their grief that is not quite so much in the way, but it is never far from the surface. When a child dies, life as it was known is gone. Let go of the notion that they will “get over it,” because they won’t. This can feel overwhelming, but is not necessarily bad. “New normal” can be a place of hope and healing and is usually deep with understanding about the things which are most important.